To Be, or Knot to Be…

Today has knot been my day. After working a thirteen hour day, I was getting my things to attend a writing seminar in the morning. (Sumsion Publicity Bootcamp, taught by Publicity Expert Extraordinaire, Sabrina Sumsion) I decided it would be a nice touch to wear the “healing crystal” bracelet I got as a birthday gift. However, the bracelet was knot designed for someone with quite petite wrists. (I wish the rest of me was as petite, but alas…knot so)

The bracelet is constructed with cord, rather like a hand-knotted pearl necklace, and an adjustable slide. Knot a difficult task to untie the knots, remove a couple of stone beads, retie the cord, and voila! Right??? (Cue evil laughter here)

Let us keep in mind that I grew up in the 70’s. Hell, I even remember part of the 60’s, unlike many who are actually older than me. I was a Girl Scout, and in 4-H. In those groups I think I attempted every sort of macramé project imaginable. I know how to knit, sew, quilt, and crochet. My grandmother even tried to teach me how to tat, which is nothing more than tying really thin cord into a series of knots, and making things like…oh, bedspreads, let’s say. Then I taught CCD, and Vacation Bible School, where it is a prerequisite for every student to turn a handful of beads, a length of cord, and a plastic crucifix into a rosary using a series of knots. The bottom line is, I should be quite comfortable tying a couple of knots.

So I grabbed a pair of scissors, a nice sturdy needle, and began to untie the first knot. I must mention at this point that one of the first lessons in knot-tying is knot to tighten the knot until you are very certain that the knot placement is perfect. Why? It is a royal pain in the ass to untie knots. I will say that the person who tied the knots on this bracelet was damned sure they were perfect! Holy cow! I needed to remove two stone beads, so this should be two knots. HOWEVER, the second stone is really pretty, so I wanted to keep it, and take out the third stone instead. So, make it three knots.

Here is the process.

Step one: Pick, pull, tease, untangle, swear under your breath, pull the light closer to the cord, go get your magnifying glasses, (the ones you wore as a joke for the Harry Potter book release event), pick and pull some more, swear louder, jab the needle into your finger, blame the dog for plopping on your foot right as you were stabbing the needle through the middle of the knot, make your fingers numb pulling at the cord, wiggle things around a bunch, pick, pull, and tease some more, swear louder when instead of pulling out the whole piece of cord, you manage to unravel a portion instead, and finally you will get it untied.

Remove the stone, and repeat the process.

Twice.

Fast forward about 45 minutes, and you can restring the pretty green stone that you now hate with a passion. Might have been easier if you hadn’t unraveled half the cord, huh?

Step two: Discover that the needle will knot fit through the bead with the cord threaded. Trim the end of the cord, wet it by running it though your mouth (where did this awful custom originate??) get it halfway through the bead where it gets stuck. Use the blunt end of the needle to poke the now frayed cord the rest of the way through the bead. Jab your finger a couple more times, since the sharp end is facing the wrong direction. Swear some more. Ahhh, success.

Now you must reknot the cord. Remember the rule of knot tying? Don’t tighten the knot until you are SURE the position is perfect?

Oops.

Go back to step one.

Repeat this process at least twice.

Now, thread the ends through the adjustable slide, and repeat the bead-threading process from step two, only with a much smaller bead.

Measure the cord and tie the final knot in the end. Measure it again. Does it match the other side? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Do knot pass go, do knot collect $200, instead descend to a brand-new inner ring of Hell, where you once again are forced to use your now bloody fingertips to untie and retie the same knot a few more times.

Are you happy with the way it looks? Do you really give a damn anymore? I didn’t think so. NOW you can go back and tighten all those knots. Really tighten them, because you sure as Hell don’t ever want to do this again.

Ever.

So, if you see me tomorrow, I’ll be sporting a “healing crystal” bracelet that fits. If you comment that the stones do knot resemble anything from a crystal therapy book, (I am already aware of this fact, thank you very much), I will punch you square in the face. What do I have to lose? I’ve already been to the inner rings of Hell.

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